Friday, 27 May 2011

Pressing Matter

I am doing it right now.

I realise that I am very lazy and so should you, therefore. If you expect regular updates then you will be severely disappoint in me. I'm not here to entertain you, that is preposterous, what the fuck do I get out of that? Oh I forgot if I was going to swear on this blog or not. Fuck it. Anyway, I will only post when I get good reviows and ppl stup flammin fkin preps.

LOL yeah no I'm going to post as much as I like because I'm full of myself and literally think the things I have to say are incredibly interesting and hilarious. Seriously. Also my morals are very applicable in real life and could save people confusion or small scale embarrassment.

Moving on, I recently lost some valuables. Artwork in a clear plastic a3 folder. It looks a bit like this and answers by the name Harry;
I think I left him on the floor of a bus
It had all of my best artwork in it. All my best MS Paint drawings. I've been making strange, wounded animal noises ever since. They escape every now and then when I think about how much I miss him. So I put up posters for my lost friend, and I've been getting an astounding number of prank calls ever since (yesterday). DON'T THESE PEOPLE KNOW HOW SERIOUS THIS IS?? 
I also got a phone call from some random number at 3.39am. I was un-with my phone and when I was re-with my phone, it was 4.49am so I figured I'd call them back.
"grunt" she said
"Hello who is this" I said.
Then she hung up. My face was D: and I felt completely alone and rejected. Like those dogs in the RSPA adverts. 

Similar to this

I rang again in the morning and tried to explain,
"Hello, you called me, bla bla bla, but who is this?"

...AGAIN? Who the fuck does that?

Well, it's now been two days since I last touched my folder, two days since I last caressed my artwork lovingly, and fondled the important paperwork within. I'm beginning to realise that I'll probably never GRAAAGHGHGH FUCKUFUFKFFUASKKASKDAKSDASLDLASD ASFFAG KILL MAIM BURN PILLAGE (the grief cycle really does have many applications, just like my morales).

I hope to return to meaningful life soon, but I guess until then I will live an unmeaningful, pointless existence.

The moral of this story is that: Sometimes people call other people to be cocksucking deuchebagging tittybuckets just for the lulz.
But the moral is also: Sometimes you lose things that you really didn't want to lose and it might suck to be you at that point in time.

Thursday, 19 May 2011


Yesterday I went to the hospital. On the way there on the train, a woman sat in front of me (A REAL LIFE ONE!) and I couldn't help but notice how incredibly cute she was. I had had about 1 hour's sleep so I was allowed to do whatever I wanted which included noticing young cute Ladies. She had radioactive glowing eyes and looked like this:
Needless to say during my Central line ride to Bank I ended up falling madly in love with this Lady. I noticed she had extremely small feet. Sometimes some giant person would stand in-between us and I am sure she was as sad as me to be separated like that. Sadly, our relationship was short and sweet and I had to leave her forever once I got to Bank. 

Anyway at the hospital they took all of my blood. I was there for a good 6 hours before they released me into the wild again, slightly more deranged and floppy than when I went in, but I had to go back to be prodded a bit more later so I decided to go and see a free art exhibition called 'Dirt'. It was all about dirt, surprisingly. In my opinion I had to read too many things on the walls and I was too hungry for such things so about half way through I stopped reading them and started eating the exhibits in my mind, even though sometimes this included 300 year old milky white runny poo and really concentrated old pee pee. And giant slabs made out of excrement. They didn't smell though. Despite this, I think I did a pretty good job of being an 'interested art admirer'. 
Yes that is a batman shirt. Anyway the three things I enjoyed most about this exhibition were, to begin with, this broom in the corner. Obviously at first I was angry at the thought that someone would just leave a broom at an art exhibition I mean, how, how rude. But actually it was part of the exhibition. It had paint splatters and things on it, but when I read the plaque it said it had precious stones all over it. There was tape on the floor, with it's magical powers of 'DO NOT CROSS ME OR I WILL END YOU' stopping me from getting a closer look but I realised that the paint splatters were actually pearls and there were sparkly things in the bristles and stuff. This amused me greatly and made me exquisitely happy. The second thing was a series of photographs of some old pervert who enjoyed making this old maid dress up in different costumes including a slave, a posh dress and then as a maid cleaning her OWN floors. The sick, twisted pervert. And yes they were having it off with each other but that's a secret.

The most striking thing I saw was this:
The drawing was just a little... Hilarious... It's just the expressions reminded me of adverts for beauty products or weight loss contraptions...

I already knew but learnt again in great detail that London used to be a giant shithole, literally, whereas now it's only metaphorically a giant shithole. There were also exhibits of how Nazi Germany's obsession with racial purity also made them wash themselves a lot more, and I saw a real life copy of that book I've seen a bunch of times in history books about Nazi propaganda, "The Poisonous Mushroom" 

I think they got it all wrong, because that mushroom is ginger - I think that's probably the whole problem here. 
Let me clear a few things up here: I am a Jew (ish) and watch this AND I've been to Poland so SCREW YOU. 

So basically the world used to be stupid, but I always think people will look back in the future and think we were equally stupid. Also when people take lots of blood from you, unicorns visit you to see if you're ok. 

The moral of this story is: Sometimes in the past people were stupid, and sometimes people are still stupid. 

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

My friend says things sometimes:

The moral of this story is: Sometimes people say different things when they feel different things

Valuable Information

Sometimes people don't know how to write coherent sentences. You should always laugh at these people.
Here is an example of someone who took the time to be bad at everything.

The context of how I found this page is as follows: I was looking for a guitar tab for Ewan Dobson's Time 2, and found that it would not be as simple as going to a tab site since the greedy label think it's cool to charge something like £7 for three songs and three tabs, and have taken down any tabs already out there. So I delve into the realm of Google searching for a .rar or something some kind person must have made to share these tabs in the name of all that is good on the Internet, and hence came across THIS site.

At first I was confused but then I was amused.

Think about it, someone has gone to the effort of making this strange incoherent website. Look at the header.
Just another The Top Online Shopping Site

Cuz yeah fuck Ebay... Wat...

I can't even begin to decrypt what's going on in the side bars, but look at the comments...
in February 26th, 2011 at 5:41 pm
I admire the valuable information and facts you offer in your posts. I’ll bookmark your weblog and have my youngsters test up right here usually. I am quite positive they will learn a lot of new things right here than anybody else!

I'm sorry. What information? The comments go on and on. The names of the 'commentors' are hilarious, for starters, and the comments are regurgitated from time to time down the list, sometimes with the added bonus of different adjectives! This is my favourite combination:
poet said,
in March 2nd, 2011 at 5:32 pm
Congratulations on having 1 of the most sophisticated blogs Ive arrive across in some time! Its just incredible how a lot you can take away from some thing simply because of how visually beautiful it is. Youve put together a good blog space –great graphics, videos, layout. This is undoubtedly a must-see weblog!

Its just so a lot good to see poetic beautiful you can get a lot from taking away such sexy words this is the undoubted best 2 see who whilst i will always sometimes make my babies watch and test them often i am sure they will do well thanks 11!!1!!

Someone put the effort in to actually DO this, with their limited grasp of English- I think that deserves a round of applause...
...However the whole thing is clearly constructed to make you truly believe in this... Blog? What are we meant to be falling for here? All this effort for what?

Accurate representation of life:

The moral of this story is that: In life sometimes people do things that make no sense senes.

...And Blog was Beginning

Hello. I am Devin. A while ago I said something so hilarious I decided to make a blog several months after. However, yesterday, I experienced a typical phone call to my friend who has a clone who is also her friend. And my friend. You can tell them apart because their fur is different. This is how it went:

The moral of this story is that: "One must wait until after a phone call to ask about what was said, or you will catch on fire"

Here is a list of things my blog will give you in life:
  • Nuggets of useful wisdom
  • Laughter
  • Herpies
  • The most up to date and accurate news on what my clone friends do